4th Graders Offered Full-Tuition Scholarship To Harvard

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to capture the nation's best and brightest children at a young age, business magnate T. Boone Pickens announced Monday that he is offering an opportunity for all fourth graders throughout America to receive full-tuition scholarships to Harvard University.

“It’s our goal at SHDY Capital Management to invest early in America’s greatest minds by sending them to the finest schooling our country has to offer,” said Pickens, adding that as long as students participate in fun extracurricular activities such as volunteer work and playing on sports teams during their time in elementary school, they will be eligible for one of 40 full-ride Pell admittance packages. Requirements also include stellar recommendation letters—specifically from kindergarten teachers concerning adherence to nap schedule—and the ability to do the monkey bars.

“To give our nation’s children even more incentive to achieve at an early age, we are also offering financial consulting positions with SHDY Capital Management, which pay $200,000 a year, not including bonuses, while they finish undergraduate studies at top universities such as Harvard.

"We at SHDY Capital Management just hope that the next generation remembers the opportunities in the financial sector, and does not waste their talents on medicine or something dumb like environmental science," Pickens added.

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