America Now Abuzz Over Speculation That Bush Had Sex With Boar

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

As former President George W. Bush awaited treatment for a ruptured rectum yesterday at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the news of his weekend-long boar hunt fueled speculation across the nation. Analysts struggled to determine whether he sustained such an injury as a result of fucking a wild hog in between his hunting excursions—and, if true, whether the boar in question will need to be silenced as a matter of national security.

No details about the boars have been released to the public, but numerous independent investigators have made their way to the hunting grounds in attempts to discover the infamous animal. Garlic journalist Stephen Anderson turned to Mary Neumayr, Chair of the Council on Environmental Quality, for more details as she spent the weekend in rural Texas with the former president and his entourage. While Neumayr was flattered somebody asked for her opinion for the first time since Trump was elected, she remains tight-lipped about what occurred.

At a press conference in New York this morning, where he appeared alongside former vice president Al Gore to publicize the crisis of anthropogenic global warming, Harvard academic Dr. David L. Barker stated: "I believe I can speak for the entire scientific community when I say that we are absolutely certain Mr. Bush is aware of bestiality as a possible activity with the wildlife he encounters in his treks."