Astonished Physicists Confirm Ben Shapiro's Tongue Does In Fact Travel at the Speed Of Light

Wed. December 09, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning confirmation of the theoretical work of Dr. Richard Feynman and others, physicists at the National Institute for Standards and Technology confirmed Monday that conservative pundit Ben Shapiro's tongue does in fact travel at the speed of light.

"We were able to measure Mr. Shapiro's tongue moving at approximately 186,282 miles per second," said NIST physicist Dr. David Reiss, who led the research team which used an advanced laser interferometer to detect Shapiro's tongue movements during his recent debate with comedian Bill Maher on HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher. "This is consistent with our previous measurements of other high-speed objects such as neutrinos and photons."

"The results are also consistent with Mr. Shapiro's own claims about his ability to speak extremely quickly," Reiss added. "For example, he was able to say 'I'm not going to be lectured by a liberal like you' in 0.000001 seconds."

According to Reiss and his colleagues, their findings confirm that Shapiro can move his tongue at speeds that put the entire Theory of Relativity in jeopardy.

"If Mr. Shapiro's tongue is indeed moving at the speed of light, then it would appear that Einstein was wrong about a number of things," Reiss said. "For example, if Mr. Shapiro's tongue were to move at 186,282 miles per second while he was speaking on the merits of “supply-side economics” on his podcast The Ben Shapiro Show, then time would slow down for everyone else in the universe."

"In fact, if we assume that Mr. Shapiro's tongue moves at this speed all the time—which seems likely given his constant verbal output—then it would mean that every other object in the universe has slowed down relative to him," Reiss continued. "This means that when you listen to one of his podcasts or watch one of his television appearances, you are actually watching an accelerated version of events."

"In other words, if you were to watch Mr. Shapiro debate a scientist on his show, then the scientist would appear to be moving in slow motion," Reiss said. "This is because time for him has slowed down relative to Mr. Shapiro."

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