Benevolent UC Berkeley CS Professor Gives D So Student Doesn't Become Boring Facebook Employee

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

BERKELEY, CA—In a selfless act of charity that has earned him the respect and admiration of his peers, University of California computer science professor Dr. Richard Karpinski gave a failing grade to sophomore student Kevin Hinesley so he would not have to work at Facebook after graduation. "I don't want this young man's life ruined by working for such an insipid company," said Karpinski, who noted that he had already seen several promising students fall into the trap of becoming "mind-numbingly boring" employees at the social networking site. "If I can prevent one more bright mind from being lost to the banality of coding PHP scripts for some vapid website or app, then my job here is done." Hinesley expressed gratitude toward his teacher for giving him a chance to pursue other interests in life. The 19-year-old sophomore said he plans on using his newfound free time to travel around Europe with friends and learn how to play guitar. He also mentioned that he might try writing poetry again, something he hasn't done since high school because he was so focused on getting the good grades he needs for an internship with a FAANG (Facebook, Amazon, Apple, Netflix and Alphabet) company. Karpinski admitted that while giving Hinesley a D in CS 61B: Data Structures & Algorithms was difficult, it was ultimately worth it if it meant sparing him from having any sort of career whatsoever outside of academia or government service. In fact, sources close to Karpinski say they are confident that no matter what happens in his future endeavors—whether they be artistic or entrepreneurial—he will never become as dull as those who spend their days creating new ways for people to share photos with each other online without actually talking about anything meaningful with anyone else face-to-face, ever again.

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