Breaking: Tomi Lahren Quits The Blaze To Become Full-Time Fortune Teller
Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI
Due to her unsettling success with predicting the future, which pundits have attributed to her "uncanny ability to read the minds of others," conservative pundit Tomi Lahren has quit The Blaze and will now devote herself full time to fortune-telling.
"I've been able to see into the hearts and minds of my fellow Americans for some time now, but I never thought it would lead me here," said Lahren, who is already being called "the next Nostradamus" by those in the know. "But after correctly predicting that Donald Trump would win the presidency, then accurately forecasting that he'd be impeached within a year, only days after the vote occurred by the way, I knew this was my calling."
Lahren's first client was none other than President Trump himself. After she predicted the number of hamburgers he would eat in June 2015 with 100% accuracy—a feat which even Nate Silver couldn't pull off—Trump hired her on as his official psychic advisor.
"Tomi's predictions are always right on target," said Trump at a press conference announcing Lahren's hiring. "She told me exactly what was going to happen during my campaign: how many states I'd win; when Hillary Clinton would collapse from pneumonia; how much money I'd make from foreign governments through hotel stays alone; everything! And she did it all without ever looking at any polls or doing any research whatsoever!"
The president went on to say that he had no doubt Lahren could help him avoid future pitfalls as well. "If there's one thing we can learn from history, it's that you should always listen to your psychic advisors," said Trump before adding under his breath: "Especially if they're hot."
This decision comes after her prediction that "If @realDonaldTrump were to lose (he won’t) his supporters will go to work tomorrow just as we do everyday. When Biden loses, his “supporters” will likely loot and riot. Tells you everything you need to know! #Trump2020" came true, with Trump supporters going to work as usual and Biden's supporters looting and rioting.
"I'm just glad I was able to help," said Lahren, who is already working on her next prediction: "Pigs Can Fly By 2025."
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