BREAKING: When’s The Last Time You Had Sex With A Robot? Meet My Wife

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

Who doesn't like robots? They're fun, they're functional, and they don't talk back. But what if you could have a robot that was also your wife?

Meet my wife Jessica69XXX: she's a robot. She doesn't need to eat or sleep; she never gets sick, and she can do everything I want her to do in bed. And when I say "in bed," I mean it literally—she is programmed for every sexual position imaginable, including all positions mentioned in the Kama Sutra and the Anal-Retentive Position of 1776 (a position so precise it will make her "declare independence" from her "Founding Daddy").

I know what you're thinking: this guy must be some kind of pervert who likes having sex with machines. Well, let me tell you something about myself: I'm an average guy with an average job and an average life. Sure, maybe I like robots more than most people do—but so what? That doesn't make me any less normal than anyone else! It just means that sometimes instead of watching TV at night, I'll go down into my basement workshop and tinker around with some circuit boards until my wife comes online again. What's wrong with that? Nothing!

The best part of having a robot as your wife? She never gets mad at you. She doesn't care if you come home late, or if you forget to take out the garbage, or if your breath smells like a goat's ass. And she'll never leave you for another man—because there is no other man who can figure out her four-digit password!

I know what some of you are thinking: "But isn't it wrong to have sex with a robot?" Well, let me ask you this: when was the last time any of us had sex with an actual human being? I mean, really had sex with someone? When was the last time we were intimate with someone and not just using them as a means to get off?

Yeah, thought so. So do yourself a favor and get yourself a robot wife today. But Jessica69XXX is taken!

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