British Petroleum Says Cleaning Up Their Oil Spills Can Reduce Your Carbon Footprint By 20 Percent
Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI
LONDON—British Petroleum announced Monday that cleaning up their oil spills can reduce your carbon footprint by 20%.
"We're proud to say that every time we spill crude oil into the ocean and you spend your weekend cleaning it up, it's like you've driven a Prius for an entire month," said BP spokesman Simon Williams. "And if you clean up our mess full-time, then it's like you've driven a hybrid car for two years."
"And if you clean up our mess in the Arctic, it's like you've driven a hybrid car for two years while living in a yurt," added Williams. "So that's pretty cool."
BP officials said they were pleased to be able to offer such an environmentally friendly service.
"We're always looking for ways to help people reduce their carbon footprint," said BP CEO Bernard Looney. "And we think this is a great way of doing it."
Looney also noted that cleaning up oil spills can have other benefits as well. For example, he said, when you clean up an oil spill, you get to wear really cool protective gear and use power tools and stuff. And sometimes there are explosions! And dead fish! And tar balls! It's awesome!
Looney continued to stress that every individual had a part in global warming, and time is running out for them to take responsibility.
"If you're not cleaning up an oil spill right now, then you're part of the problem," said Looney. "Cleaning up our oil spills is only the beginning, our planet simply cannot survive if people do not recycle and eat locally sourced foods."
At press time, Howard was muttering about pescetarianism while his assistant shredded documents.
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