Church of Scientology Runs Out of Wives for Tom Cruise

Wed. December 09, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

LOS ANGELES—The Church of Scientology has run out of wives for its most famous member, actor Tom Cruise.

"We've exhausted our supply," said church spokesman Ken Delusion. "And now we're having to go outside the organization to find new wives for Mr. Cruise."

Delusion said that while the church had previously been able to provide a steady stream of young and attractive women for Cruise since he joined in 1990, it is now unable to keep up with his voracious appetite for marriageable partners.

"Tom is a very busy man," Delusion said. "He's got movies coming out every year, and he's always traveling around the world promoting them or doing publicity stunts like jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch or hanging from an airplane over London by his two front teeth."

Cruise's appetite for adventure extends to the bedroom as well, claimed three of his ex-wives, who wished to remain anonymous.

"So we just couldn't keep up with him," Delusion continued. "It wasn't that we didn't want to; it was just physically impossible. One year Tom went through seventy-two separate marriages. That has to be some sort of world record."

Delusion said that Cruise's last wife, actress Katie Holmes, was the final woman to be provided by the church.

"We had a few other women in mind for him," Delusion said. "But they all got married to other devoted church members after Mr. Cruise started dating Ms. Holmes."

"There's always a lot of turnover among our female members," Delusion added. "But it looks like the Church of Scientology is completely out of young women who are willing to marry Tom Cruise. So we're going to have to start looking outside the church. We've already got a few prospects in mind, but they're not Scientologists yet."

Delusion said that while he was confident the church would be able to find new wives for Cruise, it might take some time.

"It's not like we can just go out and pick up any woman off the street," Delusion said. "She has to be young enough and attractive enough for Tom, but she also has to be compatible with Scientology doctrine and willing to devote herself completely to Mr. Cruise."

At press time, Delusion was passionately explaining to Cruise why Scientology is better than Mormonism at producing young women for him to marry. Mr. Cruise could not be reached for comment, but reporters are now speculating if the large penis-shaped bruise on Mr. Delusion's cheek is a result of Mr. Cruise's frustration.

When asked about his marking, Mr. Delusion declined to answer, saying "Tom Cruise is an Operating Thetan Level 8. You can't even imagine the wisdom he has bought and was kind enough to share with me in that closet."

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