Constipated Nihilist Doesn't Give a Shit

Sun. December 13, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

"I look up to heaven only when I want to take a dump on a squat toilet," said Ivan Turgenev, a nihilist who has given up on life. "I have no hope for the future, and I don't even care if there is one."

Turgenev said he used to be an idealistic young man who believed in progress and social justice. But after years of disappointment, Turgenev said he has lost all faith in humanity's ability to improve itself or its lot in life.

"I was raised by my parents to believe that we could make this world a better place," Turgenev said as he sat naked on his couch watching television with the sound off. "But now I know that it's just not possible."

The 38-year-old former philosophy student added: "It doesn't matter what you do—you can work hard, try your best, help others—but at the end of the day you're still going to die alone surrounded by strangers while some asshole politician tells you how great things are going to be tomorrow."

Reporters confirmed that Turgenev started acting this way days ago, after about three days without a bowel movement.

"I used to be a real optimist," Turgenev said. "But then I got constipated, and now I'm just like this."

Turgenev's friends say they are worried about him. They say he has become increasingly withdrawn in recent weeks, spending most of his time alone in his apartment watching television with the sound off or sitting on the toilet reading old issues of Pravda. He also spends hours each day staring at himself in the mirror while repeating phrases such as "life is meaningless" and "the world is an illusion."

"He doesn't even care if there's a God anymore," said longtime friend Boris Kuprin, who added that Turgenev used to be very religious but recently lost all faith after years of disappointment with organized religion and 72 hours without a solid dump. "He says it doesn't matter whether there's a heaven or hell—there probably aren't enough laxatives in either."

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