Curfew Imposed Throughout China Due to National Frenzy over Pokemon Go App

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

BEIJING—In order to prevent violent clashes between gamers over precious eggs and gyms, authorities throughout China have instituted a nighttime curfew mandating that all citizens stay indoors while playing the newly released augmented reality app Pokémon GO, in addition to reporting any players in violation of the newly instated policies.

“As the Pokémon GO craze continues to sweep nationwide, and especially given yesterday’s outbreak of violence in Shanghai, reportedly revolving around a Charizard near Gulou Mountain and the resultant mob, this curfew simply must be enforced for everyone’s safety and good,” said Chinese Premier Xi Jinping at a news conference Wednesday.

“You can keep on playing your silly games after midnight if you damn well please, just not together in public anymore. Wander around at two in the afternoon looking for virtual creatures all you want; we won't make any move against that. But littering graveyards with Lures or trespassing into neighbor's yards in the wee hours of the morning while trying to hatch an egg? Now that is a completely different story altogether."

"Curfew violations will result in mandatory reeducation 101 classes where they will study books such as 'Quotations From Chairman Xi' about the virtues of communism until rational thought is restored. While it may be compelling to 'try and catch them all,' citizens must remember that we are a country first and the world's foremost destination for catching Mr.Mime second," he continued.

Beijing reports that 17 individuals have already been reported for curfew violations--16 of whom were engaged in a violent clash over an Alakazam, and 1 of whom had simply forgotten to change the time on their watch after returning from a trip abroad. This is a developing news story.

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