Dr. Fauchi's Coronavirus Response Legacy Tarnished By Performance Enhancing Drugs

Wed. December 09, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning revelation that has rocked the medical community, Dr. Fauci's legacy as an international expert on Covid-19 and other coronaviruses was called into question Monday when it was revealed that he had been using performance-enhancing drugs to go 12 days straight without sleep, including 72 hours of nonstop cable appearances to warn Americans about the dangers of not wearing masks.

"I'm not sure what to say," said Dr. Fauci, who was seen injecting himself with a syringe filled with an unknown substance before appearing on NBC's Nightly News With Lester Holt Monday night. "I've been working around the clock to warn the American people about the dangers of this virus, and I guess I just got caught up in the moment."

"I know the deaths I've prevented do not make up for this appalling behavior," he added.

Dr. Fauci's fall from grace began last week when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a report stating that Dr. Fauci had been working without sleep since December 31st, when the first case of COVID-19 was reported in Wuhan, China. Since then, Dr. Fauci has appeared on every major news network, as well as every local news channel in North America, to warn Americans about the dangers of contracting COVID-19 by not wearing masks while traveling or visiting public places such as restaurants and movie theaters.

"I've never seen anything like it," said CNN medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen, who interviewed Dr. Fauci after his marathon appearances on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer Monday night before being told that she had to cut for an infomercial for a new line of male virility supplement featuring Adam Driver and Keanu Reeves. "He just kept going and going—it was almost inhuman."

"At one point I asked him if he'd slept at all since April 12th," continued Cohen, "and he just looked at me with those soothing bloodshot eyes and said 'Sleep? What is this sleep you speak of?'"

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