Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos Catfight Over Who Will Become Space Emperor First

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

San Carlos, CA—In a pitiful display of slapping, scratching, and hair-pulling, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos engaged in a vicious catfight Friday over who would become the first space emperor.

"I will be the one to rule over all of humanity from my throne on Mars," said Musk, his eyes rolling back into his head as he scratched at Bezos' face with his long fingernails. "You can't stop me."

Bezos responded by biting off two of Musk's fingers before being thrown to the ground by the Tesla Motors CEO. The Amazon founder then began kicking Musk repeatedly in the groin until both men were exhausted enough for their fight to end.

"This is what happens when you try to take my rightful place as ruler of Earth," said Bezos, wiping blood from his mouth onto a silk handkerchief embroidered with an image of himself urinating on an American flag. "I am destined to rule over mankind from my orbital palace while you are doomed to die alone on this planet."

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