Experts Warn Rise In Professional Swimmer Population May Threaten World Food Supply

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report released Monday by the National Academy of Sciences, experts warned that the rise in the professional swimmer population may threaten the world food supply.

"The number of swimmers has increased dramatically over the past decade," said Dr. Richard A. Klinefelter, lead author of the study and professor emeritus at Harvard University's Department of Aquatic Biology and Fisheries Science. "And while this is good for our country's Olympic hopes, it could have devastating effects on global agriculture."

According to Klinefelter, there are currently more than 1 million competitive swimmers in America alone—a figure which does not include thousands more who train but do not compete or those who simply swim recreationally. The report also found that an estimated 2 billion people worldwide participate in swimming as part of their regular exercise regimen.

While any swimming poses a threat to global agriculture, Olympic hopefuls, who typically consume 15,000 calories a day, are most responsible for the coming global famine.

"If these trends continue unabated," said Klinefelter, "the amount of food available per capita will be reduced by nearly half within 50 years." He added: "This would mean less meat and dairy products for everyone."

The report also found that the number of professional swimmers is expected to increase by another 50 percent over the next decade.

"We're not sure how this will affect food production," said Klinefelter, "but we do know that it's going to be a problem." He added: "If 80% of swimmers do not transition to long-distance running or freestyle wrestling by 2030, then the planet's agriculture may never recover."

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