Hero Billionaire Gives Away $10,000 On Twitter

Mon. December 14, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

NEW YORK—In a move that has stunned the world, billionaire philanthropist and son of billionaire philanthropist Bill Pulte announced Monday that he would be giving away $10,000 to one lucky Twitter user.

"I'm just doing my part to help out the little guy," said Pulte, who is worth an estimated $100 million and has gained over 3 million followers through Twitter philanthropy. "It's not like I need it."

Pulte made his announcement on Twitter after realizing that donating to organizations that can have a larger impact per dollar like The Malaria Consortium and Helen Keller International, or even giving money anonymously, will barely even raise his social media following.

"I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed when my donation of $1 million to the Red Cross only got me about 1,000 new followers," said Pulte. "But then I realized that if I gave away money directly to people on Twitter, it would be like printing my own money."

Pulte's announcement has been met with both praise and criticism from his fellow billionaires.

"Bill is an inspiration," said billionaire philanthropist Warren Buffett. "I've given away more than 14 billion dollars and accidentally committed to donating all the money I have by the time I die to Gates without ever making a Twitter account. What a fucking waste."

"What a fucking asshole," added billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates. "If he wants to give away $10,000 so badly, why doesn't he just donate it anonymously? Or better yet, put it toward something worthwhile like curing children of parasitic worms?"

We at Garlic strive to maintain journalistic independence, but we would like to point out that Bill Gates is just a player-hater jealous of Pulte's girthy 3 million Twitter following. We were unable to find Gates' Twitter account, but we are certain it is much less popular.

"I don't get it. He is giving away money? What a dumbass, he will never become Space Emperor that way," said billionaire philanthropist Elon Musk. "I'm going to Mars, bitch."

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