"I Created Lebron James to be a World Champion Curler," Says God

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

HEAVEN—In a stunning revelation, God admitted Monday that He created basketball superstar Lebron James to be a world champion curler.

"I made Lebron James with the strength and build to be the best curler of all time, yet he wasted his talents on basketball," said God, His voice booming from the heavens. "I made him to be a champion curler, but he chose to play basketball instead."

"And now I have no choice but to watch as my creation is forced to curl in Hell," He added.

"Lebron James was given every physical gift imaginable," said God, who appeared Monday morning before reporters wearing a white robe and holding a golden scepter topped with an emerald-cut diamond worth $1 million per carat (a gift from Satan). "He had speed and strength beyond mortal men; eyesight keen enough to spot rocks hidden beneath the ice; reflexes quick enough to sweep away two stones simultaneously; hands strong enough to hold onto heavy granite discs without breaking them; feet swift enough to glide across ice like skates."

"And yet he still plays in the NBA like a complete loser," God continued. "I mean, he's a good player, but he could be so much better if he applied his talents to curling instead."

God said that He had originally intended for James to become the greatest curler of all time and lead the U.S. men's team to gold medals at every Winter Olympics from 2010 through 2026. But when James was still in high school, He said, Satan approached him with an offer: If James would sign a contract binding him to play basketball for Satan's NBA franchise, then Satan would give him fame and fortune beyond his wildest dreams—and also make sure that God never interfered with his career again.

"Satan told Lebron that if he signed on with the NBA, I'd leave him alone forever," God said. "He promised Lebron that I wouldn't interfere with any of his decisions or try to steer him away from playing basketball."

"And what did Lebron do?" asked God rhetorically before answering His own question: "He turned his back to his natural gifts and decided to play basketball!"

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