Jake Paul Buys World's Most Expensive Concussion For 50 Million Dollars

Tues. December 15, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

In a stunning announcement Monday, YouTuber Jake Paul revealed that he had purchased the most expensive concussion in history for $50 million.

"I'm really excited to announce this," said Paul, who is known for his high-energy prank videos and rap songs about being a sociopathic asshole. "It's been my lifelong dream to own a concussion."

Paul explained that he was inspired by the recent trend of athletes selling concussions on the open market. He also cited his desire to be able to be able to blame brain damage for his scandals as another motivation for purchasing such an injury.

"This is going to be so much fun," said Paul, rubbing his hands together with glee at the prospect of receiving what he described as "hopefully permanent brain damage." "I can't wait to get my hands on it.”

Paul said that he had already begun planning out how he would use the concussion. He said that he was considering using it as an excuse for his recent behavior, which includes (allegedly) looting, annoying neighbors with destructive ragers that none of the members of the Garlic press team where invited to, and attempting to overthrow a Southeast Asian government.

"Last year I was so depressed over my breakup with [ex-girlfriend] Erika Costell that I decided that Prayut Chan-o-cha [the Prime Minister of Thailand] has got to go," said Paul. "Then, when I got high one night, I fell down some stairs and hit my head really hard, and people completely forgot about my attempt at organizing a military coup to replace Chan-o-cha with Wanchalearm Satsaksit [a self-exiled Thai political dissident] as prime minister. This is another chance to start fresh."

Paul said he would then use the concussion as an excuse for why he had been acting like such a sociopathic asshole lately. He also said that he would use it to explain why he had been caught cheating on his girlfriend with multiple women in recent weeks.

"I'll just tell everyone that after hitting my head so hard, it made me forget who all these girls were anyway," said Paul. "It's going to be great."

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