Joe Biden Proposes Alternative to UBI: Everybody Makes an OnlyFans

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

WASHINGTON, DC—In a speech to the National Association of Broadcasters on Monday, President-Elect Joe Biden proposed an alternative to universal basic income (UBI), which he called "a great idea in theory but not in practice."

"The problem with UBI is that it's just too easy," said Biden. "If you give people money for nothing, they'll do nothing. And if they're doing nothing, then what are we paying them for?"

Biden's solution is to replace UBI with a new program called Everybody Makes An OnlyFans. Under EMAOF, all citizens would be required to maintain an OnlyFans account and post at least one picture or video per day of themselves doing something interesting or fun. The content would be voted on by other users and the top performers would receive cash prizes from the government.

"This way everyone gets paid for being interesting," said Biden. "And if you're not interesting enough to get votes from your peers? Well then maybe you should consider getting a job."

Biden said that the government would pay for EMAOF by raising taxes on popular OnlyFans creators such as Monica Huldt and Blac Chyna, and distributing the proceeds to the rest of the population.

"We'll take a small cut for ourselves, of course," said Biden. "But we're not greedy. We'll leave most of it for you."

Biden also proposed that EMAOF be combined with his existing program, OnlyStuds, which provides grants to young men who are willing to post pictures and videos of themselves doing something interesting or fun on OnlyFans. The President-Elect said that he would like to see an OnlyStuds account created for every man in America under the age of 30.

"I'm not saying they should have an account now," said Biden. "But if they don't have one by the time they turn 30? Well, then I think we all know there's little chance they'll ever be productive members of society."

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