Local Rapper Chooses Protecting Family From Covid Over Bitches

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

Rapper Maximilian "Big Poppa" Johnson, a member of the local rap group "The Ass Smashers," has repeatedly refused to meet any of his bitches in person and emphasized the importance of social distancing to protect loved ones from coronavirus. "I'm not gonna meet no bitch," said Johnson, who has been in the rap game for over a decade. "I don't care how fine she is. I ain't gonna risk my life just to smash some ass." Johnson's decision to abstain from meeting his bitches in person was made after he learned that the coronavirus can be transmitted through sexual contact and shared bodily fluids such as saliva and sweat. "It's just not worth it," said Johnson, who has not had sex with any of his bitches in over six months. "I can't die right now. I'm finna drop a new song on SoundCloud soon." When asked whether he would have sex with his bitches wearing a mask, Johnson responded "No no no. I'm not getting no covid on my mask. My grandma made my mask for me and imma respect that by not using it to have sex with bitches during a pandemic." Johnson also emphasized that he would never put himself at risk by having unprotected sex with a woman he didn't know well. Finally, he stated that all of his bitches should listen to his music, because "Heat kills the virus, I heard. And The Ass Smashers is pure fire."

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