Man Accidentally Cuts Off Penis; Finds It Mistakenly In Fridge 2 Years Later

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

SEATTLE—A local man reportedly realized his penis had been severed from his body Tuesday when he opened the door of his refrigerator and discovered it sitting on a shelf in a plastic container. According to sources, the man, who is not being identified at this time, walked out of his bathroom in a daze, saying, "What the hell is this doing in here?" "I thought it was a weird, small, green cucumber at first, but then I saw it moving and wiggling," he continued. "It was really gross."

The man's wife said she was not surprised by the discovery, since she had noticed the penis was missing over a year prior but had been unable to locate it. "He's always doing dumb stuff like this," she said. "Remember that time he put his old ball-sac in a jar of formaldehyde? Or when he tried to sell his kidney on eBay? I'm just glad I found it before my daughter Stacey did." Stacey Peters could not be reached for comment, as she was in a Nymphomaniacs Anonymous session when reporters attempted to contact her.

According to doctors, the man is expected to recover from the ordeal, although he may never again be able to father children. As for what happened to his penis, doctors say it is still too early to tell whether or not they will be able to reattach it. In addition, they are not sure if the severed penis has been affected by two years' worth of exposure and refrigerator odors.

"It doesn't look good," said Dr. Harold Rabinowitz of Seattle General Hospital's urology department. "I don't know how long that thing has been in there with all those pickles and fish sticks, but it is definitely among the ten most rotten penises I've seen in my 20 years as a urologist."

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