NCAA CEO Mark Emmert Jealous Athletes Have More Followers On Tik Tok Than He Does

Wed. December 09, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

NCAA CEO Mark Emmert, who has been the subject of widespread criticism for his handling of the Penn State child rape scandal and other recent NCAA fiascos, is jealous that college athletes have more followers on Tik Tok than he does.

"I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong," said Emmert, whose personal page on the video-sharing website has only 28 followers. "I've tried everything: posting videos of me singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' in a variety of different styles; posting videos where I dance to various pop songs; even posting videos where I do nothing but sit there and blink my eyes really fast."

"But it's like no one cares about me," added Emmert. "And it's not fair."

Emmert said he was particularly upset by a recent video posted by Penn State wrestler Roman Bravo-Young in which Bravo-Young does a backflip to get the takedown to Chance the Rapper's hit song "Hot Shower." The video currently has over 3 million views. In contrast, Emmert's most popular video—a clip from an interview with ESPN in which he sings along to Katy Perry's "Firework"—has only 562 views. And that was after he paid $800 for Tik Tok Promotions (which allows users to pay money so their videos will be featured more prominently).

"It just makes me feel bad about myself," said Emmert as tears streamed down his face onto his desk at NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis. "I mean, here I am trying my best to make people laugh or smile or whatever with these silly little videos…and then this guy comes along and does basically nothing but a dumb sport…and everyone loves him for it? It just doesn't seem fair."

Emmert goes on to say that his only solace is that most athletes are still struggling to make ends meet, and therefore don't have the money to pay for extra promotion on Tik Tok.

"I mean, I'm not saying that I'm better than them or anything," said Emmert. "But it's just nice to know that they're still struggling like the rest of us."

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