No Tienes Excusa Para no Poder Hablar Español

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

MIAMI—A new study released Monday by the University of Miami revealed that, despite their claims to the contrary, most Americans do not speak Spanish.

"We found that, while many Americans claim to be able to converse in Spanish, they are actually only able to ask where the bathroom is or say 'I love you,'" said Dr. Carlos Hernandez-Garcia, who headed the study. "In fact, most of them don't even know how to count past 10."

The study also revealed that those who claimed fluency in Spanish were often unable to understand simple phrases such as "¿Dónde está el baño?" and "Te quiero," which roughly translate into English as "Where's the bathroom?" and "I love you," respectively.

"It's a shame really," said Miami resident Juan Gonzalez, one of the participants in the study. "My grandfather came here from Cuba so I could learn his language and culture. But now it turns out I can't even order a burrito without getting laughed at."

Juan González continuó diciendo que la única forma de hacer que los estadounidenses aprendan el idioma es insultarlos repetidamente en español.

"Probablemente ni siquiera puedas entender esto, cara de culo con coeficiente intelectual a temperatura ambiente," González said. "Maldito guerito priveligiado."

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