Pfizer Executives Panic As Doctors Agree To Administer Covid Vaccine Without Bribes

Sun. December 13, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

NEW YORK—In a surprising turn of events, the nation's doctors have agreed to administer Pfizer's new vaccine for Covid-19 without bribes.

"I'm not sure what happened," said Dr. Robert Mathers, who was offered $10 million by Pfizer in exchange for administering the vaccine to each of his patients. "But I guess it just didn't seem right."

According to sources close to the situation, Mathers and other physicians across the country were approached by representatives from Pfizer shortly after the company announced its new vaccine on November 9th. The reps offered cash payments ranging from $50,000 to $10 million in exchange for administering Covid as often as possible during their shifts. However, when they found that the Covid vaccine isn't addictive, they decided against taking any money from Pfizer.

"It just seemed like something wasn't right," said Dr. David Klinefelter of Stony Brook University Hospital in New York City. "So I told my Pfizer representative that we weren't going to take any money from them."

Klinefelter added that he also refused an offer of free tickets to an Ariana Grande concert later this year because he felt it would be wrong to accept such gifts while administrating non-harmful medicine to patients.

This comes as a major blow to Pfizer, which has been depending on under the table bribes to distribute opioids and prescription painkillers for decades and doesn't have experience with many other methods of promoting their products.

"We're not sure what to do now," said Pfizer spokesman John Smith. "I mean, we've never had to promote a product that wasn't addictive and didn't cause people to become dependent on it."

Smith added that the company was considering lowering the price of the vaccine to increase its adoption until the person who suggested the idea was fired and subpoenaed.

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