Republicans Speechless After Supreme Court Decides Not To Make Trump Emperor

Sun. December 13, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning decision that left the nation reeling, the Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that President Donald Trump is not allowed to become an all-powerful emperor.

"We have no choice but to rule against Mr. Trump," said Chief Justice John Roberts in his written opinion for the court. "The Constitution clearly states that only Congress along with the states can make someone an emperor."

"I'm shocked—shocked!" added Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, feigning surprise as he pulled another beer from the cooler cleverly hidden in his bench. "How could we have let this happen? I blame myself."

According to legal experts, the ruling was a narrow one, with five justices voting against making Trump Emperor of America and four voting in favor of it. The deciding vote came from Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch, who wrote in a concurring opinion that while he would have preferred to see Trump crowned Emperor of All Creation under Article II Section 1 of the Constitution, he felt bound by precedent to uphold congressional authority over imperial matters under Article I Section 8 instead.

"I'm not happy about it, but I feel like I have to respect the rule of law," said Gorsuch. "Besides, if we let Trump become Emperor now, what's going to stop him from appointing himself President for Life? Or King? Or God?"

The decision was a blow to Trump and his supporters, who had hoped that the Supreme Court would finally put an end to the chaos in Washington by making him Emperor of America. Instead, they were forced to wait for Trump's next attempt at world domination.

"This is a dark day for our country," said Vice President Mike Pence at a press conference following the ruling. "But there is still hope."

"We will continue fighting until we can make Donald Trump Emperor of America," added Pence. "And then once he's emperor, we'll fight some more until he becomes Supreme Leader of Earth."

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