Teenager Successfully Cured Of Phone Addiction With Crack Cocaine

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

LOS ANGELES—After a year of being unable to go more than five minutes without checking his cell phone, 17-year-old Eric O'Brien was successfully cured of his addiction with his mobile device by a treatment consisting of multiple daily doses of crack.

Before overcoming his addiction, the teen would often check his phone while driving, and even during meals with friends. "It got so bad that I'd be sitting in class, and if my phone vibrated or made any noise at all, I'd have to look at it. I just couldn't stop myself."

O'Brien's parents were worried about their son's behavior and sought help from Dr. Richard Klinefelter of the UCLA School of Medicine. After several months of treatment involving counseling sessions and prescription drugs such as Ritalin and Prozac failed to cure O'Brien's condition, Klinefelter suggested an unorthodox approach: freebase cocaine.

"We tried everything else we could think of," said Klinefelter. "But nothing clicked until we gave him some really good blow."

According to Klinefelter, O'Brien instantly felt his desire to check Kanye West's recent Twitter posts completely disappear after only one hit off a glass pipe filled with high-grade Peruvian flake coke.

He no longer feels compelled to check his cell phone every few minutes for new text messages or voicemails; he can now sit through entire movies without looking at his phone once; he has not checked his e-mail since last Tuesday; he is able to concentrate on schoolwork for extended periods; and most importantly, he has been able to spend time with family members again instead of hiding out in the bathroom recording shirtless Snaps. In addition, O'Brien has proved quite disciplined in keeping up with his daily doses and hasn't strayed from his prescribed schedule of three hits a day a single time—a fact which pleases both himself and Dr. Klinefelter immensely.

Dr. Klinefelter is now looking into other alternative treatments for cell phone addiction such as Opium, Fentanyl, and Tide pods.

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