The Fascinating Science Behind Falling In Love With Ethereal Bisexuals

Mon. December 14, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

Ethereal bisexuals can be found in every college dorm, living space, and library. Yet very little is known about them, other than their black dress and extensive knowledge of proletarian literature.

"I've never seen one," said Dr. James H. Pritchard, professor of biology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "But I'm sure they're out there."

Pritchard's statement is supported by a recent study conducted by researchers at the University of California-Berkeley and Stanford University, which found that ethereal bisexuals are indeed real, and can be identified through their unique pheromones. The study also concluded that these creatures are not human beings in any way whatsoever, but rather an entirely different species altogether.

"We were able to isolate several compounds from the skin secretions of ethereal bisexuals," said Dr. Robert Janssen, lead researcher on the project. "These compounds include ethyl formate, methyl acetate, propyl acetate—all common components in wine—as well as dimethyl sulfide and dimethyl disulfide."

Janssen added: "The fact that we found these chemicals in such high concentrations suggests that ethereal bisexuals may have evolved from some sort of grape or yeast creature."

"If you encounter an ethereal bisexual, I'm afraid that you do not even have to interact with it to fall into a maddening infatuation. Simply being in the same room with one of these creatures is enough to cause a chemical reaction in your brain, which will make you fall madly in love," said Janssen. "And once that happens, there's no going back."

"I was working late one night when I heard a knock at my door," said Dr. Robert Eversmeyer, professor of biology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "When I opened it, there stood an ethereal bisexual—I knew if I didn't act fast I would never have an opportunity to research this beguiling species again. So I invited it in, and we talked for hours about the works of Marx and Engels. The next thing I knew, I was waking up on my couch with a splitting headache with a ring on my finger dressed in second-hand clothes to my boxers."

"I've never been so happy," said Eversmeyer. "But now I'm married to an ethereal bisexual, and I still feel like I know nothing about them."

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