University of Miami Professor On Leave After Having Sex With Capybara Over Zoom

Mon. December 07, 2020

Parts of this satirical piece where written by AI

MIAMI—University of Miami professor Dr. David M. Koppelman has been placed on leave after having sex with a capybara over the Internet, university officials announced Monday.

"We are shocked and dismayed by this incident," said UM President Julio Frenk in a press conference held at the school's Coral Gables campus. "The University of Miami is an institution that prides itself on its high standards of academic excellence, and we will not tolerate such behavior from our faculty."

Koppelman was unavailable for comment, as he was busy preparing capybaras for copulation.

According to sources close to Koppelman, this wasn't the first time Koppelman had sex during lecture, but doing it over zoom was going too far.

"He's always been a bit of an oddball," said one student who asked to remain anonymous. "I mean, he was the only professor I've ever had that would actually have sex with animals during lecture."

"But this is just too much," continued the student. "It's bad enough when he does it in front of everyone, but doing it over Zoom? That's just sick."

Koppelman has taught at UM since 1991 and is considered by many to be one of the university's most popular professors. He teaches several courses on zoology and animal behavior, including such topics as mating rituals among primates and how to tell if your dog is gay. Koppelman also serves as faculty advisor for the school's chapter of PETA (People Encouraging the Teasing of Animals).

Koppelman has also written numerous books on zoology and sexuality, including The Bonobo Method: A New Great Ape Paradigm For Sex With Bonobos; Why He Doesn't Love You Back, How to Tell If Your Dog Is Gay; and The Capybara Guidebook: An Introduction To America's Largest Rodent Penis.

His latest book—The Capybara Companion: Everything You Need To Know About Loving Capybaras But Were Afraid To Ask—is due out next month from Penguin Group USA.

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